Of course I should have posted this yesterday, but I was busy making stew and knitting the ugliest scarf in history.
You see, yesterday was May the 4th, and the whole internet was awash with amusing Star Wars memes to celebrate. So, as my tribute, I have decided to recast, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, with actors from the glorious 30’s and 40’s, and to imagine what it would have been like had it been made back then. You know? Just ‘cos.
Who cares if I’m a day late? Star Wars ain’t going anywhere.
Ok, first up,
Sir John Mills.
Perfect for the job. Small, plucky and thoroughly decent. Full of quiet courage and a longing to discover his true destiny. I just hope they serve ice-cold Heineken at The Mos Eisley Cantina.
This feisty lady was ALWAYS getting tangled up with Nazis and other sinister types, generally on trains running through Europe. She was also very handy in a fight.
I have no idea why she has fluffy, rabbit testicles around her neck in this picture. Or why the hearts on her jacket are positioned directly over her bosoms, in a slightly naughty way. I can only think she may have made an enemy in the wardrobe department.
This picture explains it enough. Brrrr. Boris wouldn’t have needed a peculiar, mullet shaped, plastic helmet to provide the required menace. He oozed it from every pore. I can imagine him ‘Sithing’ someone with just a glance of those hooded eyes. Another big bonus, he wouldn’t have required his voice to be overdubbed, because he didn’t sound like a West Country farmer. This would have saved a few production pennies.
I’ve chosen Leslie mainly because I love him, quite a lot. If you can get over the general, ‘ice creamy’ nature of his swirly, blond hair he was pretty awesome at this kind of role. Splendid at playing arrogant, conceited men, whom you still adore to the hilt, and quite marvellous at bickering, wittily, with spirited young ladies. An intelligent, modern actor who died far too young. And rest assured, in my version, Han certainly would have shot Greedo first.
And just who wouldn’t have felt entitled to shoot Greedo first, if he were being played to perfection by Pete here? This guy’s performance would have dripped with avarice, sly menace, and an unctuous civility that would have made your skin crawl.
Sure, he’s not nearly hairy enough. But since Leia isn’t likely to get to wear her metal bikini in my version, we may as well have someone showing off the flesh. (I’m pretty sure she’d have harem pants and wispy, wispy veil, if you’re wondering.)
Anyway, who said you can’t have a bald wookie? Also, seeing that Weissmuller always insisted he’d performed the trademark Tarzan ‘cry’, there would have been no problem for him producing the famous Chewie growl?
Sir Noel Coward.
Mainly because it would have been much funnier to see Ewan McGregor attempt to impersonate Sir Noel in the prequels. And because, personally, I think a Jedi in a smoking jacket is a really good thing. I can’t see why ‘May the Force be with you‘, couldn’t be the title of a witty piano ditty.
May the force be with you
If you can’t be somewhere nice
Sipping cocktails in Mos Eisley
In a scene of scum and vice.
May the force be with you
For it could be anywhere
On the Moon of Endor
Or in Leia’s underwear…
You get the idea.
Because when he wasn’t being Sherlock he was pretty much playing all the bad guys around. With his aloof, haughty manner and severe delivery he would have been a perfect accompaniment to Karloff’s dark, brooding Sith Lord. Did this the guy EVER smile? He’s not even smiling in this picture AND he’s wearing spats and crisp white slacks. What a badass!
With his experience of playing tin men, he’d have had no problem being the human-cyborg relations protocol droid. He was could also be totally camp, which is essential, as far as I’m concerned. Plus, I can’t see why there couldn’t be some vaudevillian dance numbers in the opening scenes. Especially when you see who I have in mind for…
Seriously might have to change the part where Luke removes her ‘restraining bolt’, but apart from that, I think Shirl would be perfect. Can you imagine her curly mop popping out of the top of the X-Wing fighter? Actually, that image is probably a little bit too close to Jake Lloyd’s performance in A Phantom Menace, but by the time you’re really getting annoyed with her, in the climatic shoot out, she’ll have copped a direct hit and have hushed up. (It’s alright, they fix her in time for the smiley medal ceremony.)